I used to be a pretty terrible person and this used to be a pretty terrible blog.

Between 2007 or so and 2010 or so this web site had been associated with abrasiveness, weirdness and unapproachability, and in turn, so have I. I didn’t want to be anymore; I don’t want to be, today. There’s a lot more people out there who recognize me for who I am now than who I was back then, but there’s still some people who want this place to return in the way that it used to be. It’s going to return now, but it’s not going to be what it was. It simply cannot.

That was what ultimately what led me to close it down — I was tired of what it represented. I was tired of what I decided to represent through it. Because I’d grown up from it. I started this site as a self-loathing teenager who interacted with media primarily through self-loathing, and interacted with creation also through self-loathing. I interacted with people through this site through that lens of self-loathing. I still have a lot of self-loathing. But I don’t spread it around.

This blog used to be rather offensive. There were certainly a lot of acceptable targets of my blithe, shocking invective, but the result did not absolve the method. Over time I have changed a lot. Part of that change was due to greater interaction with people. In real life, sure; but particularly online. I was getting emails, I was big into twitter. People were coming to me to tell me that they did not like what I was writing, or that it hurt them. I thought, behind my former anonymity, that it was possible just to say whatever I wanted without a care. Now I care; I care a lot about what I say, and I care about how people read it.

I never really planned to bring this back in any way. It was dead to me.

It was nothing but its gimmick, and that gimmick was beneath me.

I’ve been going through a lot of radical changes in my life these past few months, and I don’t deal well with change. I’ve been working 5 days a week (sometimes six) to help support my family. I’ve moved to a new house in a place without the unlimited hardwired internet that I’ve been so used to. I’m on a data cap; and the data cap scares me. I’m very isolated. I used to be able to get online and spend hours and hours doing nothing without a care in the world. I have to care about every one of those megabytes now. I have to spend them on things that are the most precious to me. Because at some point they can run out, and I’ll be silenced.

From about 2013 to this year, I spent a lot of time on tumblr. Unfortunately, tumblr is horrific about data usage. One reload of a tumblr page could consume 25 megabytes of data. That doesn’t seem like much, but it means eight pageloads of tumblr is 1% of my monthly data cap. I can’t go on tumblr much anymore. I’m a nervous person — I have anxiety and stress problems out the wazoo. And I hate to think of what other things I could be doing with those eight pageloads of data. What more important things I could be doing than looking at gifs and vines.

But the thing about tumblr is, I felt my words stuck there more. On twitter, I tweet, and there’s some comments here and there, maybe some favs, but it disappears into the ether. That scares me too. I have to constantly be on there in order to stick to people. It’s hard; and I LIKE twitter. I like tweeting, and I’ll keep doing it. But I need a place where I can leave something of myself behind that has more lasting impact, that can be found and touched for a long time.

I keep counting the bits and bytes. Someday they’ll run out; maybe I’m weak, but that frightens me. I’ve made so many attachments and done so much that has value to me on the internet. I don’t want to be locked away from it like that. And it’ll only be for a few days, maybe a week — if I can pay the bill, anyway.

But it’s still a lot. It’s a long time to be away from so much that I love.

Things are changing around me and I hate change a lot. It’s part of my condition.

There’s a strange comfort in this old dead blog, this blog that has my name on it.

I felt, increasingly, that it was time to confront this blog again. It was time to clean it up, and to make something of it. It was time to make something of WyattSalazar as a name that wasn’t just linked to shitting on things, being mad, and hollering at people. I won’t mince words; this was a gross-ass fucking blog once. It might as well have been a chan thread or something like that. I said all kinds of terrible shit here. I have apologized before, but I’ll apologize again. I’m sorry about this stupid blog; I’m sorry about all of the shouting and the bile.

If I was doing this shit now, that I was doing back then, there’d be a callout post on tumblr posted at the speed of light and nobody would give me the time of day again. I’m still surprised at how much I changed; I’m surprised I got a chance to change at all. Nowadays you don’t get many of those, or any at all, with good reason. I don’t know that I’d have given myself that chance back then either.

You probably don’t know what I’m talking about at all. That’s how hard I destroyed everything that was associated with that. But there’s people who remember, and I need them to know that shit’s different now. That’s part one; here’s part two. This blog will be a blog. It won’t be stories, because that’s what The Spirits of Eden is for. That’s for the Solstice War. This is for me. I’ll talk about things I’m doing, things I’m feeling, things I’m thinking. I’ll try to post frequently, but I’m kind of a shy person about sharing long-form thought. So I don’t know how frequently, or what I’ll share. I don’t know what the quality will be like.

I’m a person who suffers from depression and anxiety; so this site might be dark sometimes. I’m a nonbinary bisexual person (this’ll surprise a lot of people who were into this blog in its previous iteration) so this blog might be weird sometimes. I’m into a lot of nerd shit, and I take it definitely too seriously and read too much into it. I have a huge imagination. I write. And I like to think that I care a lot about people. So in short, it’s a new vibe here. Radically different.

So, it’s an experiment, right now. I’m so hard on myself I don’t even let myself post minutia without scrutiny; I’m gonna try to be better about that. About posting what I feel, even if it’s incomplete; talking about things I enjoy, even if they’re embarrassing; and sharing my opinions, even if they’re disagreed with.

I’m, really, nobody on the internet. I used to joke that I was a Z-list celebrity. I’m not even that. But there’s people who care about me, and I’d like them to have this from me. I want this blog to be my shadow that people can talk to if I disappear. I promise, if I ever go, I will try my hardest to come back.

With that in mind, I’d like to request, henceforth, if you see a post from this blog, leave a comment! I feel so disconnected from people and events lately. It’d be nice to have something, however long or short, to connect with people.

Anyway, the thoughts ain’t turbulent anymore. That shit’s in the past.

Watch this space for stuff in the future, hopefully. Until then, read the Solstice War, follow me on Twitter, and excuse the mess. Trying out the 2015 theme. I’m on a data cap so I’m going for the simplest possible blog. Black text; white back.


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Madiha is a creative writer and a lover of books, anime, manga, video games. You can contact her via email at wyattsalazar[at]gmail[dot]com.

4 thoughts on “Reconnection”

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